“Two and a half years ago I experienced the most life-rattling situation in my short existence. I had planned out an entire life for myself: when I would get married, who I would marry, when I would have kids and so forth. But it all came crashing down when God showed me I wasn’t the author of my life. I was in the middle of trying to close out the school year as an elementary teacher, move jobs, districts, and classrooms when I was hit with an unexpected breakup that I was not willing to accept. I asked how God could possibly do this to me and I began to question if I was being punished or if I was never really a child of God. My faith built on the sand was starting to crumble. 

At the time, I didn’t have many friends at Trinity and was still readjusting to life back in San Diego after graduating and the pandemic. The only people that knew me were busy moms, who didn’t know me personally, but also only knew me as a pair to someone else. But these busy moms were part of God’s sweet favor to me as they invested their precious time to share coffee and wisdom. In one conversation I had with Salome, she mentioned that a couple of ladies were starting to gather in a Bible study and asked if I wanted to join. I was extremely reluctant as I wasn’t in a healthy place, spiritually, mentally, or physically but I was also so desperate for anything that I thought would fix my messed up life and situation. With a lot of hesitation, I managed to show up. My first week there, after remaining quiet for the entire first hour, the Holy Spirit moved in me and I broke down in tears sharing how angry I was with God. I was frustrated, confused and in a really dark place. My faith was weak and this one event revealed my faulty foundation and shattered everything I used to think. I didn’t trust Him and frankly I didn’t even want to. It felt way too unsafe to trust a God who would allow me to be in so much pain. A God who would take away what I thought was the perfect plan for my life and leave me in such a desolate, agonizing and lonely place. 

I didn’t want to return to the study because I felt so uncomfortable being surrounded by women who were so different from me: they looked different, were in a completely different life stage (one that I longed for) and they really knew God and actually believed that He was good. But thankfully God knows me and He knew what I needed and did what He needed to have me in the right space. So despite my reservations, I just kept showing up. Cried a lot. Complained a lot. And studied a lot.